The Search for My Homeland

“Archaeologists are searching for the lost tribes of prehistoric Britain – at the bottom of the sea.”

I hate to be the one to break it to the  Independent, but we ain’t there anymore. We blew that place as soon as our shoes got wet.

Yes, Doggerlanders invented shoes.

via Britain’s Atlantis: Scientific study beneath North Sea could revolutionise how we see the past – Archaeology – Science – The Independent.

They did publish a nice picture of my family’s old neighborhood:

2015 0901 independent

Obviously taken before we invented shoes.

A most spectacular offer! Please reply!

Dear Mr. Laycock:

Or should I say “Dear Mr. Assistant Undersecretary to the Minister of Living Laycock”???

The check cleared!!! Congratulations!!!!

After a thorough investigation of your background and credentials (AND the spectacularly generous $10,000 donation to the Doggerland Exile Relief Fund!), the High Commission voted unanimously to award you this Prestigious Position for which you are highly qualified. The Ministry of Living is responsible for the quality of life for every Citizen of Doggerland, so you have quite a job ahead! There are mouths to feed! Bodies to clothe! Mobile homes to build! We are counting on you!!!

Certain members of the High Commission were so impressed with  your credentials and your suave demeanor that they considered appointing you to the Undersecretary to the Minister of Living, a rather large step up the bureaucratic government ladder, who would report DIRECTLY to the Minister of Living. Some members of the High Commission, however, frankly, felt that your credentials needed just one more zero. Yes, Assistant to the Undersecretary Laycock, you understand me correctly. This even more prestigious position can be yours! It’s as simple as increasing your DERF donation to $100,000 – certainly no small sum, but also certainly not so much that you wouldn’t have that in tens and twenties under your mattress or a loose board in the floor. I’m not kidding around here. YOU could be the Undersecretary to the MINISTER  of Living. Of course, such a high position also must tend to matters of high importance, mostly medical care and car repair. But the High Commission has every confidence in you!!! Mostly.

But before you decide, allow me to whisper something confidentially in your ear. Come closer. Okay…

Between you and me, I have it on excellent authority, directly from a Sitting Member of the High Commission, that if you were to add just TWO MORE ZEROES to your qualifications, the High Commission might look upon you with even greater favor and appoint you to the most prestigious position of all. Yes, you guessed it. No flies on you, no, sir! But let me go ahead and spell it out for you in case your mind is reeling with possibilities: A mere $1,000,000 DERF donation could mean an appointment to a Cabinet-Level Position!!! Think of it! You, Minister of Living Laycock!!! Let that ring in your ear a moment: Minister [substute name here]… What an honor that would be! And best of all, it’s a High Level Government Position where you don’t have to do anything at all. That’s right: A Figurehead Position!!! Well, it would be nice if you would volunteer to be in charge of snacks at the Cabinet meetings, but that’s more of a tradition than a requirement. You don’t even have to come to the meetings, really, but they’re a lot of fun. The million bucks pretty much buys your way out of any responsibility, and THAT’s where you want to be! The mice do the work and you get a big cut of the cheese. You can just relax and live off the royalties, kick-backs and bribes that flow naturally to a Member of Cabinet  like the Moola River flows to the Copious Sea. Make  your own salary, sir. I’ll be looking the other way. Or maybe I was in the men’s room the whole time. I didn’t see a thing. Just don’t forget my cut. Seriously. You don’t want to forget my cut: Twenty points. That’s all. The rest is yours.

I anxiously await your reply: Either your acceptance to the appointment on the table, or another suitcase of tens and twenties to move you to the head of the table. The choice is yours, my friend.

In the meantime and in any case, there’s some paperwork that you must fill out. PLEASE CLICK HERE to download the form.

Sincerely,
Otis Klondike
Supreme Leader
The Benevolent People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of Doggerland Government-In-Exile

First order of business: A flag

Or, “I’m My Own Betsy Ross”

By Otis Klondike
President of the People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of Doggerland

So having decided to form a government-in-exile for my ancestral homeland Doggerland, I elected myself President and formed a High Commission with the immediate task of designing a flag.

The High Commission started with a field of red to represent the Fallen Heroes of the Lost Cause, with a bold white stripe for the spirit of those who live on. The green pip represents our lush forests and verdant plains, surrounded by a blue loop for the Cruel North Sea as it instills in our people the love of travel. The pip and loop are placed off-center because obvious.

2015 0705 flag

This accomplished, the High Commission will now go into seclusion to compose a National Anthem.

Possible titles include:

  • “Doggerland, Poor Doggerland”
  • “Our Ancestral Homeland is Now the Bottom of the Sea”
  • “Glub Glub Glub.”

We’re open to suggestions. Email otisklondike@outlook.com.