Dear Mr. Laycock:
Or should I say “Dear Mr. Assistant Undersecretary to the Minister of Living Laycock”???
The check cleared!!! Congratulations!!!!
After a thorough investigation of your background and credentials (AND the spectacularly generous $10,000 donation to the Doggerland Exile Relief Fund!), the High Commission voted unanimously to award you this Prestigious Position for which you are highly qualified. The Ministry of Living is responsible for the quality of life for every Citizen of Doggerland, so you have quite a job ahead! There are mouths to feed! Bodies to clothe! Mobile homes to build! We are counting on you!!!
Certain members of the High Commission were so impressed with your credentials and your suave demeanor that they considered appointing you to the Undersecretary to the Minister of Living, a rather large step up the bureaucratic government ladder, who would report DIRECTLY to the Minister of Living. Some members of the High Commission, however, frankly, felt that your credentials needed just one more zero. Yes, Assistant to the Undersecretary Laycock, you understand me correctly. This even more prestigious position can be yours! It’s as simple as increasing your DERF donation to $100,000 – certainly no small sum, but also certainly not so much that you wouldn’t have that in tens and twenties under your mattress or a loose board in the floor. I’m not kidding around here. YOU could be the Undersecretary to the MINISTER of Living. Of course, such a high position also must tend to matters of high importance, mostly medical care and car repair. But the High Commission has every confidence in you!!! Mostly.
But before you decide, allow me to whisper something confidentially in your ear. Come closer. Okay…
Between you and me, I have it on excellent authority, directly from a Sitting Member of the High Commission, that if you were to add just TWO MORE ZEROES to your qualifications, the High Commission might look upon you with even greater favor and appoint you to the most prestigious position of all. Yes, you guessed it. No flies on you, no, sir! But let me go ahead and spell it out for you in case your mind is reeling with possibilities: A mere $1,000,000 DERF donation could mean an appointment to a Cabinet-Level Position!!! Think of it! You, Minister of Living Laycock!!! Let that ring in your ear a moment: Minister [substute name here]… What an honor that would be! And best of all, it’s a High Level Government Position where you don’t have to do anything at all. That’s right: A Figurehead Position!!! Well, it would be nice if you would volunteer to be in charge of snacks at the Cabinet meetings, but that’s more of a tradition than a requirement. You don’t even have to come to the meetings, really, but they’re a lot of fun. The million bucks pretty much buys your way out of any responsibility, and THAT’s where you want to be! The mice do the work and you get a big cut of the cheese. You can just relax and live off the royalties, kick-backs and bribes that flow naturally to a Member of Cabinet like the Moola River flows to the Copious Sea. Make your own salary, sir. I’ll be looking the other way. Or maybe I was in the men’s room the whole time. I didn’t see a thing. Just don’t forget my cut. Seriously. You don’t want to forget my cut: Twenty points. That’s all. The rest is yours.
I anxiously await your reply: Either your acceptance to the appointment on the table, or another suitcase of tens and twenties to move you to the head of the table. The choice is yours, my friend.
In the meantime and in any case, there’s some paperwork that you must fill out. PLEASE CLICK HERE to download the form.
The Benevolent People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of Doggerland Government-In-Exile